We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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