I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
