If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
