Screwed.edu
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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