Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
