i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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