I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize