Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
