Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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