My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
