new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
