I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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