Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
