Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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