You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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