my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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