My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
