I wanna bring you to show and tell
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
