Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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