and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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