Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
