Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You're a waste of cheezeits
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
