I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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