I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
