you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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