I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
