Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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