Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
