just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The ass gains better be worth it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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