If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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