someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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