If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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