nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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