I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
