God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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