Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
