I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I didn't notice because vodka
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
