Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
two words: eviction party
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
