My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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