good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
