Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
