America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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