I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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