Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
