I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
