so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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