Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
