In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
