guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
