he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think I just sharted jello shots
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
