dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I will be naked everywhere
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
