I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So many bounce houses so little time
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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