Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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