Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
