if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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