she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
