now i know why i became what i already was.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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