buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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