No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize