So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
