Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dear god my vagina.
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