you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize