You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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