Your dad touched me again.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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