My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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