I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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