I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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