Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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