I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
